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Hey it's me agian with another story...and yet again it's not finished...but here it is anyways!

G.M.

Hi my name is Zerum Ferinski I am nineteen years old and live with my friends May, Bass and Alex. This is my story.

Ch.1 Transporter Mix Up

Zerum: Hi May! How was your day?
May: Pretty boring, there wasn't much to do.
Zerum: Really?...Well I heard that the new mall they were building just opened. Wana go?
May: Sure it sounds like fun. I'll get the others.

(May runs towards the boys bedrooms.)

May: BASS!...ALEX! Get ready to go! Were going to the New Mall! y'know Isalia...

(Boom! One of the two doors swing open)

Bass: OMG! I can't belive it! Were actually going to the new mall Isalia!... I can't wait to see all of the cool stuff they have there!

(the other door opens)

Alex: Me too... I hear they have free exibits on many diffrent things.
Bass: Well, what are we waiting for!? Lets go already!

(Bass grabs both May and Alex and runs down the hall to the living room)

Zerum: STOP!!!

(Bass skids to a stop, barely missing Zerum)

Zerum: O.K. now that everyones here...Lets go!
Bass: Yeeesss!!!!

(Everybody gets into the car and Zerum starts diriving)

An hour later...

Zerum: Well we're finally here!
May: Really? I can't believe it, it looks so dream-like!
Bass: YEAH! I wonder how many shops it has!?

(Zerum opens up the mall guide)

Zerum: Acorrding to this there are 3,500 shops!
Bass: Really!!!??? That's sooo cool!

(The group walks into the mall)

May: Wow... it looks even more dream like in the inside!
Alex: Yes, May, I would have to agree to you on that one.
Bass: ...Hey...May...Alex...how about we go to the sports section of the mall?
Alex: No I don't feel like doing that...
May: Me neither...I know, why don't we go to the electronics section? since all of us want to get someting electronic anyways!
Zerum: May that's an exelent idea! Now according to this giude, the electronics section of this mall is in the 900 wing.

(The group makes it to the 900 wing.)

Anouncer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up and try the first ever working dimensional transporter! With this divice you can actually warp to other dimensions!
Bass: Did you hear that!?
Alex: Yeah! I wonder if it actually works?
Zerum: It probably doesn't...
Bass: C'mon Zerum, don't be such a downer!
Alex: I'm with Bass...Why don't we see if it works first?
Zerum: O.K. we''ll try it, but if it dosen't work don't say I didn't tell you so!
(They walk up to the man besides the transporter)
May: Mr. may we please try out your dimensinal transporter? We would really appreciate it!
Anouncer: Sure, but only because you asked me so nicely... now please step onto the platform.

(They step onto the platform and brace themselfs.)

Announcer: Are you ready to go?
Zerum, May, Bass , Alex: Yes!

Zap

(Everything blanks out)

Stange voice: Hello? are you guys o.k.?
Zerum: Urgh...Not really, my head feels like it is going to explode!
Bass: Mine too!
Alex: I wonder where we are?
Stange voice: You don't know? Well I'll tell you. We are in Roseville U.F.S.R.
Zerum: Really? Well I guess I was wrong about the whole transporter thing!
Bass and Alex: Yeah!
Strange voice: What teleporter?

To be continued...

This could be interesting, but I will go ahead and say that a lot of the beginning is very bare and rushed. Give the beginning as much care as anything else, as you want it to hook your audience. Don't be afraid to make the beginning dynamic and interesting, as that's the only way you're going to get people interested.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean, this is just some honesty to help you. the beginning felt like a bunch of people in a chat room that just met. Like "hi, what's up?" and while that's ok to an extent, it didn't feel like they were real people or that they were, in any way, on any kind of personal terms with one another. And just be aware, as a possible audience, I will tell you that, for me, character developement, relationships and individuality is actually MORE important to me than the plot the majority of the time. You want your characters to be as convincing as possible. Make your audience believe they exist. Not just that they could exist, but even so far as convincing them they might ACTUALLY exist.

A good way to do this is to add dynamics to characters in your story that you see in real life. Observe people in their everyday lives. Take note of nervous habits, tones and styles of speech, and how people interact with one another. Lots of times you'll see other people with their friends and they'll have a big inside joke or they have like a secret handshake or they'll tease one another and talk to each other in a way that they would never do with anyone else. There are plenty of other things to be gained from observing others but these are some specific things that can get the ball rolling. Also, take things from your own life. Take experiences you've had in your life and with your friends, change it a bit to fit your characters and story, and add that in, too. Just doing this will make your characters, infinitely more interesting and realistic.

I understand you are not finished, but I figure that any artist or writer needs every amount of advice and help they can get all the time, at any point in the creative process. Especially this early in your efforts for this story, it's best to address big problems as quickly as possible. I would like to see more whenever you can write and post it. You're doing pretty good and I'm looking forward to anything else you have in store for this story.

love
dani
dude