Nightmare Quest

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Nightmare Quest

Postby agostosangriento on Wed Jan 07, 2009 8:00 am

I am not good drawing but I believe I am a good storyteller, I will be glad to write stories that would be a decent manga. Here is a example of my type of ideas for a manga. This one is just the beginning of the story, just to give an idea the type of story I can write. I can about any genre.

Nightmare Quest

A salaryman named George was waiting for his wife, Monica, to come back from work. It was been week that he has not seen her, after all, she was an archeologist, and her work takes her work takes to remote parts of the world. It seemed funny to him that even though she sees antiques all day, she still keeps buying them online. So far eleven boxes for her had arrived already. He had gotten used to be home alone for longer periods of time. It was as if she had died, in the sense that the house had an emptiness that could be feel present. However he brush off this type of thought because even though his wife was not home a lot, she still was coming back, and that was all that matter to him.
Just as he was falling asleep waiting for her, he heard her taxi arrive.
“Welcome back, honey!” He tried to say it calmly but failing miserably.
She simply kiss him and hug him without saying a word for a long time to simply ending saying, “I am back”.
“So?, how was the digging?”
“Great we find so much, and all were so interesting”
“You always fine anything old interesting, I am guessing you brought something, didn’t you”
“You know me so well” as she said that, she show him a weird relic.
“Please, don’t tell me what that is support to be or represent, all that stuff that you bring is support to be curse or used in ways that creeps me out so much that I have nightmare about them”
“Don’t be such a baby”
“I don’t know how you can be around such scary places fill with even scarier stuff”
“They are not scary, just misunderstood, and I like them”
“I know going around the world exploring tomb and caves is you dream, and I gladly encourage you to keep at it, that is why I never even suggest to get a office position like a teacher or something”
“…and that is why I love you so much about you, you respect and understand my dreams”
“But do you really have to bring this stuff with you?”
“I can believe you are fine with me going to who knows where for who knows how long but are not that I bring stuff?”
“Scary stuff”
She just tossed the relic to him and just said, “Catch”
George was always been clumsy so it was not a surprise that he could not catch the relic, and could only see how it broke in a thousand pieces.
“Oh, dear” said George embarrassed
“Do you know what did you just broke? It was a idol that was suppose to curse anyone who desecrate it”
“Why do you tossed at me, you know how clumsy I am”
“So you could see that this ‘scary stuff’ is nothing but clay”
“Was it valuable?”
“Let’s just say it was worth the price so you are more comfortable with the stuff I bring”
“Ok, ok, I will be more tolerant with your stuff, talking about stuff you got all this packages, probably more stuff”
“Toss me one”
“But what if it breaks?”
“You are the clumsy one, remember? Besides it is just junk that I found interesting”
“Ok” said George before tossing it at Monica, the toss was perfect but Monica still could not catch it on time. As the sound that could only indicate that whatever was inside had just broke a small earthquake happened.
“Don’t tell me it was curse” George said, then after a moment of silence he and Monica starting to laugh, yet any of them realize that a strange black dusk-like substance was leaking from the box. At the moment they realize what was happening, the black just concentrated in the form of a human-like thing and opened a portal. As the thing went in, the force of the portal made Monica be absorbed by it, and as she went in the portal closed behind her. George was stunned. He could not understand what just happened, but realize one thing, that Monica was gone.
As George started to cry for losing Monica, someone started to knock in the door. George could not heard that, he was too much in shock to pay attention to it, but then a noise like a thunder make him realize that there was someone at the door.
As he opened the door he saw a man dressed in a white suit with a blue shirt and pink tie.
“Hi, I am Pete, I am going to be your handler”
“My what?” said George who was starting to get confuse
“You handler, the guy who is going to tell you how to save whoever is who you lost”
“You are going to tell me how to save Monica”
“Yes, who I assume is you wife”
“What is going on, I do not understand what is happening!” said George in a voice full of confusion and panic.
“Let me put it as simple as I can, there was a curse object that got here somehow, I assume someone buy it or was a gift or something, the point is that it was here, and it somehow got broke, the object was sealing a creature from other dimension, so once it broke it release that creature, which opened a portal to its home world, and someone got trapped in the process, in this case Monica”
“How do you know all that?”
“The job of a handler is to help people like you to get into that dimension and give you limited assistance to get back that precious someone”
“So you are going to help me?”
“Assist you, sort of”
“So the thing was really curse?”
“You can say that, you know, things like this happen because of the internet, in the old days this things happened occasionally, but now got to happen a lot more frequently since people can put anything in internet for sale, which to be honest I am glad since it happened so much that the need for handlers increases lowering the bar to become one, which is the only reason I got to be one, which I really like to be”
“What?”
“Never mind, just some useless information, let’s get on with this. First, I am going to equip you with special items that may be useful, or harmful in you quest, then tell you how to find you wife, and how to bring her back, and that is just a little more difficult that it may seems”
“What do you mean the items you will give me will ‘’be useful or harmful?”
“What made these items special is that they are curse, we gave curse item because even if you lost them they will appear again, know let me tell you what item you got, first you have the curse blade, the good is that you can kill anything that can be kill with human weapons with this blade the bad is that a lust for blood will start to possess you until you become a maniac murderer”
“Kill what? Do I have to kill something?”
“My bad, I just have to say this so much that I just try to standardize the speech, let me first gave you the instructions then we go over the items”
Pete knocked on the wall, and then a door appeared
“this is the door that would take you to the world where is your wife, when you crossed you will think is you home, but is not, once you go out you will think you are in hell, but you are not. The ‘house’ even though is a reflection of this house, is not the same, it is just the safest place to be in that world, once you leave it, you will be in danger every single second, but once you and your wife come inside, you will be safe”
George stood silence, trying to get a grasp of what was happening. He wanted to believe this was some kind of trick, but no matter how much he tried, he just knew this was real.
“There are two types of things you will find there, one are demons who can be in any form, even human, and the second one are monsters, that also can be in any form including human”
“Demons? Monsters? What is the difference?”
“I get that question a lot, the difference is that demons are evil by nature while the monsters are not evil by nature but more like savages, let me give you a clear example, a grizzly bear will not like you for been evil, it is just his nature, something like that, and monsters cannot be harm nor scare with holy items”
George just listened silently, trying not to panic.
“Now let’s go over the items, shall we?”
George just nodded in agreement.
“As I said before, you got the curse knife, then you got the evil eye, this amulet will scare away pretty much anything in that world, except the most powerful monsters and demons, the bad side is unknown to me, I hear that I can steal your soul or something like that, but never saw it do that, but that is mostly because other people a handle die too quickly, then we have the Obscure’s Mask, a mask that will let you track your wife whereabouts, but will every time you wear it, you will become a demon or monster magnet. Then we have the Glove of lies, it can heal any wounds but just in appearance, they will pop up later worse than when you ‘healed’ them, usually in the most unlucky moment. Next is not really curse but kind of ridicule, is the Damn Sandwiches, put a little blood in it then, whatever it’s a piece, you can eat it without worries, it is so you do not starve to dead in there. The Final curse object is the infamous monkey’s paw, which I hope you heard the stories about them, like they grant a wish but at a terrible price, let me just warn you, do not just wish that you wife returns, it may grant that wish but she may had a heart attack and die, can so traumatic that she cannot speak or become psychotic, something like that will happen, that I have seen, it just ends up in tragedy, do not try to outsmart the paw, I have seem many try, some even were genius, but at the end the paw crushed every single one of them without mercy, those who were not killed by the paw, but they with it did. Next are the holy items, which are just three, the sacred cross, which wards off demons but not monsters and it is said that can make a miracle happen, but I have never seen it. Then is the ring called the Circle of life, which can revive someone as long as you truly love that someone, just saw it happen once, but was not much help at the end since they did not make it back to the house, and finally is the holy bible, which is an ordinary bible but may serve as a companion and source of inspiration, which is a good thing, as long as you are Catholic, are you Catholic?”
“Yes, I am”
“Just like me, I mean, handlers can you give holy items base on the handlers religion, I have some funny times when the people I handle were not catholic, I mean it was freaking hilarious, I know is cruel but it was not my fault, as mean, if I was of another religion will give you of that religion, but right now I am Catholic, so I can only give you catholic holy items, which are accepted by almost all the branches from Christianity. I make me wonder, what items can give an atheist or scientologist handler? I probably will never know. You are so lucky that I do not dislike you, because I do not need to like you, heck, I do not even have to gave you all the detail that I already have, I also speak six different languages yet if you do not speak any of those, bad luck, I will just explain to you in the language that I like, even you do not understand a thing, and those you the items without explaining what they are or what they could do, and just point you to the door, you are luck bastard.”
“How can you be so heartless?”
“Because I do not care about you, you are not the only one first person that I handle, nor the last, you are probably will die at the moment you live the house, I have seen it a thousand times, you are nothing special for me, nor the next one after you, do not get me wrong, you are just an assignment for me, either you succeed or not will not affect me, that does not mean I will not try to help in the little that I can, now before you go, let me give you one last thing, it is a pocket mirror, this is the only item that I am not require to give you since is my choice, but in you case I think I will, it is a communicator, talk to it and a will listen, as well I can talk to you through it, don’t worry, it is unbreakable, if you have any questions or just need someone to talk, I will be here at you house, staring at this mirror, which will show me how are you doing, like a movie, are you ready?”
“Yes”
“You do not have to do it if you do not want to, by the way, it is you choice, if you want to abandon her, if fine by me, I will not think less of you, mostly because you are likely to fail in saving her making you death a worthless sacrifice, I have seen people choosing not doing it and live a sad pathetic life, but each their own, just ask yourself, is she worth it?”
George did not even hesitated for a second before simply replying, “yes, she is” and when through the door to the other dimension to save his wife.
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Re: Nightmare Quest

Postby Qiaojia on Wed Jan 07, 2009 8:26 pm

Interesting story. Support! :D
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Re: Nightmare Quest

Postby Shiningmonk_e on Wed Jan 07, 2009 9:54 pm

That's a really cool story. It has a few grammatical errors but nothing major. Overall, great, creative, and even a bit morbidly funny story. It sounds like it could be a manga. Keep it up. ;)
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Re: Nightmare Quest

Postby KamiYugure on Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:29 pm

I think that this story has a lot of potential, but I think you REALLY need to work on improving your spelling and grammar. That is the biggest problem right now. Especially since this is a story, this is going to irritate a lot of people trying to read it. Most of the time I was looking at the story, I spent just trying figure out what you were trying to say. You need to reread what you have written at least once, before you post it, to be sure that you are crystal clear on what you want to say and even clearer with your grammar. Even if you want an artist to collaborate with you to turn this into a comic. You're the writer so you need to take care of all the wordy stuff for your artist. After all, a good artist is going to put a LOT of time into drawing and designing all the pages. The least you could do to help is make for darn sure that you've completed your end of the deal with as much accuracy and precision as possible.

Is English a secondary language for you? Because if it is, or even if you're just having trouble with grammar, these sites could help you, a lot:

The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation
It is a full list of english grammar rules. Comprehensive.

11 Rules of Grammar
Gives some very important rules of grammar, supposedly the 11 most violated rules, or the 11 most valuable.

Both of these sites should help you a lot if you need it. If you need help understanding some of it, look through the sites, or just PM me. I would love to help you, if you need it. When you feel like you're solid enough with grammar, go through this part, first, and correct it as much as you can. Then move on to adding more chapters or whatever you think you must to attract an artist to your work. If you need help with spelling, write your stuff in Microsoft word or a similar program that will tell you when you've made grammar and spelling errors. Don't trust them completely, though. Mostly, these programs only have a small dictionary with the most used English words and a few less common synonyms, and it only catches a few minor grammar errors such as fragments, and such. Dictionary.com should have all real English words. You can use that and the thesaurus section to expand your vocabulary and add a little more flare and flavor to your writing.

And sometimes another read-through is all that you need. As a rule, when I get something down, like say I get some really good fire under my fingers one day and I add several paragraphs or even pages to my story. Every few paragraphs, I pause and reread EVERYTHING that I have written on that chapter. Every last word. I don't skim because I already know what I wrote. I read it as if I were some one who had never seen the page before and am critical of myself from that angle. Then, when I finish a chapter, I read through it over and over again. In general, I read it until I find a mistake. I correct my mistake and back up and reread everything up to that point, again. Then I continue until I find another mistake, correct it, back up, reread, lather, rinse, repeat. I do this until I reach all the way to the end without catching any mistakes. Then I read it a few more times to be sure. And even when I post it somewhere, or when I print it out to give to friends at school, I do another quick read through, and, if I can, correct any mistakes I find, then. Of course I'm not perfect, so a lot of the time, I still have mistakes even after all of that, that I don't even catch.

Now, I'm not saying that you have to do that. I just think you could stand to do another couple read-throughs before you put it up for everyone to see.

There are some other problems with the style of the storytelling that needs a little work and tweaking, but for now, just worry about the grammar. This could be a really interesting story, if you keep your diction clear and accurate.

Looking forward to how the story turns out.

love
dani
dude
Check out my epic adventure: Providential Prism
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Re: Nightmare Quest

Postby ReidV2 on Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:37 am

I second "dani", the grammar needs work. It's cool that people support you, but if you want to improve in story telling- listen and take heed the information from people that criticize you. Understanding the concept of "Constructive Criticism" is one of the best ways to improve.

Let me list my concerns:
1. Grammar - The grammar is terrible; there are enough mistakes to make the scene(s) incomprehensible.
2. Spelling - This degrades the work as a whole- one or two spelling mistakes is fine, but if you're showcasing your work, please understand that it needs to be high quality.
3. Revision - Please, please, please- revise the story! There are so many grammatical errors, syntax errors, run on sentences, comma misplacement, formatting problems, and MANY sentences that had subjects and verbs that didn't agree.
4. The Characters - They we're very poorly done, and it seems to me that they're soulless, passionless, human beings.

I gave up reading the story halfway through because I couldn't understand what was going on anymore. Keep focus, stay organized, and plan out your story. This literally seems like it was done right before English class on the day it was due. Re-read, organize, correct mistakes, repeat. You don't have to torture yourself with x1230812 revisions, but if you want it to be PRESENTABLE, you have to put in time to do at least 2-3.

Comments: If you need help, PM me, I would be glad to help.
My post would be a lot longer but dani seems to have covered a great deal of information already.
Though I do things different, I respect his/her (?) methods.
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